Flash Fiction: The Gift of Crabs

Red-Ribbon-White-Box-Gift-Wrapping

Jimi twirled the pen in his hand, gazing intently at the woman in front of him.

“Sade, how long have we known each other?” he asked suddenly.

“One year,” she answered hesitantly.

“And how long have we been dating?”

“Six months,” she replied a bit faster this time.

Why was he asking all these questions on a Tuesday afternoon? As if he was reading her mind, he said:

“You know these questions have a purpose. In the six months I have dated you, the question of compatibility has never come up. We have both carried on under the assumption that we were suited for each other.”

He paused.

Sade began to shift uncomfortably in her chair. Jimi ignored her body language and continued.

“You know most men don’t date women for their intellect. What initially attracts a woman to a man is her body. Specifically, her ‘attack,’ ” he said, patting his chest, “and her ‘defense’ are relevant features. A pretty face is just jara. There are certain men who want their women to come fully loaded with a formidable attack, the kind that does not require the additional services of a padded bra,” he said, using his hands to form the shape of a full, well-rounded set of mammary glands. From his antics, Sade surmised that he was trying to describe a set of double-D cups. He wasn’t done though.

” … And there are others who prefer that their women have a heavy and capable ‘defense,’ the kind that can comfortably support a glass of water, and if necessary, a complete 3-seater sofa.”

By now, he had gotten up from his chair and had migrated to a spot beside her, using his hands to form the shape of a firmer, fuller butt. Sade uncrossed her legs and leaned forward slightly.

“So, which class of men do you belong to?” she asked coolly.

“You’re an intelligent girl. I’m sure you know the answer to that question. I am a member of both classes. Now, I have convinced myself for …. how long have we been dating again …?”

“Six months.”

“Exactly. For six months, I have convinced myself that your intellect was enough to make up for your obvious deficits, but I am tired of preaching to myself. Anyone with eyes can see that you are both flat-chested and have absolutely no defense. In fact, my brothers are more endowed in the defense department than you. I think I can safely tell you that I’m moving on. It’s over.”

Sade said nothing. The crooked smile she had on her face the entire time Jimi was decorating her with insults, was still there. His speech had not wiped off that smile. It was now his turn to feel uncomfortable.

“Oya say something now … “

“Why? I rather enjoyed your speech. You must have rehearsed it a couple of times, and I am certain that you’re not done. You still haven’t told me who you’re leaving me for.”

Jimi was shocked. This girl was not floored by his break-up speech, and was even demanding to know who his new girlfriend was. He began to worry.

“What?! You’re not entitled to know that. It’s none of your–“

“Oh, but I already know. I just wanted you to say it with your mouth. Since you’re not going to be a gentleman and finish what you started, I’ll do it for you. It’s my kid sister, Bose, isn’t it?”

Jimi did not say a word. He was dumfounded and began to ask himself how she knew. He had covered his tracks very well and taken extra precautions, but–

“Don’t trouble yourself, ehn. You’ll be happy to learn that she has Herpes. In a few days, when you start itching and scratching your–” and at this juncture, she briefly glanced at the area below his waist, and then back at his face, “–you’ll know what your second early birthday present is. Two special gifts, just for you.”

Picking up her purse and leaving an astonished Jimi behind, she turned around and added: “I hope the crabs eat you for lunch, Mr. Attack and Defense. Happy Birthday o!”

—————————————–

*Picture via Pinterest

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